The hairy spell continues but thankfully murderers are yet to arrive

You know you are getting easily wound up when even funerals taking place for strangers provide a cause for outrageous and unjustifiable anger. People have every right to have a funeral if they so wish, but I was fuming one was scheduled for Thursday morning, the slot I had pinpointed for a much-needed head trim.

The sign on the barber's door said: 'Closed due to family bereavement, reopen tomorrow'. My first thoughts should have been 'Ooh, my poor barber – I hope he's all right – he's a top lad and wouldn't shut up shop without good reason. I'll come back another day and check how he's doing'.

But, in the warped state of rage I am currently carrying, my initial reaction was: A bleedin' bereavement? Ruddy 'eck – when the flippin' hell am I gonna find the time to come back here? I'm gonna look like Carlos soddin' Valderrama soon.