Less sound and more light the answer to ITV's prayers

Another festive season is over, for which we should thank the Lord unreservedly. The decorations that went up on Christmas Eve came down again with unseemly haste, and now the only signs that we were ever touched by the spirit of goodwill are the two cards that fell down behind the sideboard and the bowl of nuts that have been with us since time immemorial.

First into the green recycling bin was the family newsletter from the only family that still believes the rest of us want to know their news.

It was the same old stuff. We're pleased to hear that they’re renewing their vows (teetering on the brink of divorce) and that little Johnny has excelled academically (reinstated after that unfortunate incident with the school gerbil), but once, just once, we’d like the unvarnished truth.