English football is under a cloud but Sky Blues could brighten the mood

Is English football in crisis? The old rule of journalism is that any question in a headline – 'Could smoky bacon crisps cure hayfever?' 'Is Elon Musk truly happy?' – demands the answer 'no'.

But it's certainly been a tough week for the English game as Manchester City, Arsenal and Liverpool, as well as continental heavyweights West Ham, all limped out of Europe.

The bottom of the Premier League table remains muddied by points deductions and pending appeals, FA Cup replays have been controversially scrapped and, deepening the sense of impending doom, chief football writer Henry Winter has been released by The Times.

Something needs to be done to get the beautiful game back on track so here is a four-point plan to save English football, starting with Sunday's FA Cup semi-final at Wembley.

An FA Cup triumph for Coventry
It is clear now that Coventry's Premiership relegation in May 2001 was a turning point for the world, marking the end of the so-called 'holiday from history' of the 1990s and the start of everything going to hell in a handcart.

The Sky Blues had been a pillar of stability for more than 30 years, reliably churning out bottom-half finishes season after season while, elsewhere, men walked on the moon, the Berlin Wall came down and Take That split up.

For the good of English football, and the world at large, we need Cov back in the big time and their path to glory looks pretty straightforward: beat Manchester United on Sunday, see off Manchester City or Chelsea in the FA Cup final on May 25, enjoy a couple of celebratory beers, then head back to Wembley the following day to win the Championship playoff final – for which they are currently 80-1 shots. Simple.       

Euro 2024 humiliation for England
Pessimism is the traditional lifeblood of the English game but it is in danger of being replaced by gushing hyperbole.

Any English footballer under the age of 25 who can trap a ball is immediately hailed as a starboy, a generational talent or the GOAT and the Three Lions are nailed on to win Euro 2024 because Cole Palmer scored four goals against Everton. Obviously we won't dwell on who keeps goal for the Toffees …

Hopefully Gareth Southgate will expose the folly of these inflated expectations by cramming Palmer, Saka, Foden, Bellingham, Mainoo, Gerrard, Lampard and Scholes into his Euros midfield and masterminding a much-needed group-stage exit. 

An extra on-field ref to replace VAR
Given the pace of the modern game, it is unrealistic to expect a Premier League referee – usually a 48-year-old half-marathon enthusiast from a Midlands market town – to keep up with play for 90 minutes plus stoppage time.

Why not scrap VAR and introduce a second referee so that each arbiter has to cover only one half of the pitch? Ideally the officiating teams would be made up of twins with identical physical and temperamental profiles although a 'good cop-bad cop' dynamic might provide more entertainment.

This idea probably needs fine-tuning as you can't have the two refs contradicting each other over an incident on the halfway line. Perhaps the centre-circle should be designated as football's international waters, where anything – from mild dissent to gun-running – is permissible.

Reintroduce endless cup replays
The FA have already had to release a statement justifying the abolition of FA Cup replays so it's not a huge price that they reverse the decision and bring back infinite cup replays.

Like the slow-food movement or forest bathing, a seemingly never-ending cup tie, with no prospect of a decisive penalty shootout, would be hugely beneficial to the nation's collective mindfulness.

The spectacle of two increasingly demoralised fourth-round opponents meeting for the sixth time in 23 days is proper event television, much like Line of Duty or the Eurovision Song Contest. 

Alternatively, as Sheffield United and Millwall edge towards a fourth consecutive 0-0 draw, older viewers might be reminded of that time the baby elephant did its business in the Blue Peter studio. But at least nobody will be banging on about starboys or GOATs. 

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