Smith fails to get nose in front and Lowry sends me clucking mad

Do you have nosy neighbours? There is nothing worse than nosy neighbours, is there? Apart from all the things worse, of course. I think I would rather have noisy neighbours than nosy neighbours. I can handle noise, but I can't handle great big noses poking through my letterbox.

I suppose the answer is to win enough money to buy a huge plot of land where you don't have any neighbours. If you are living in the middle of your 80-acre estate, 'neighbours' need an equivalent of the Hubble Space Telescope to follow your business. And it doesn't matter if 'neighbours' have invited Silvio Berlusconi over for a midnight bunga bunga party. You won't hear a thing.

Such a property is out of my price range, so I am at the mercy of neighbours. And many of my neighbours have far too much time on their hands. Incredibly, one neighbour stopped me in the street the other day to caution me that I had a loose slate on my roof.