Another helping of hard cheese as Thomas the torturer triumphs

Breathtaking. Why is that word always associated with positive things? As far as I am concerned, taking breath away is a ruddy terrible thing. People need breath.

I had my breath taken for several hours last Sunday. I was not staring up at an Eiffel Tower bathed in moonlight. I was not looking down on the Grand Canyon at sunrise. I was not gazing at Michelle Keegan as she cavorted naked in my drawing room. No, my breath was removed by negatives – horrific happenings in the CIMB Classic golf tournament.

I had already done my dough on the Portugal Masters, a couple of ton on Thomas Pieters going awry. Pieters turned up ill, played some snotty golf for three days, then fired a pointless 65 when he was feeling better in round four. The CIMB, and more specifically Hideki Matsuyama, was my only hope.