Super Bowl: James Milton's advice for casual fans with a case of NFL fever

Do your homework

The Super Bowl may be the only game of American football you watch all year but you can still pass yourself off as a gridiron expert.

You don’t want to be the person at the party asking: “Is that quartermaster guy allowed to stick the ball up his jumper?” or yelling: “What a bloody marvellous try!” when a crucial touchdown is scored.

If in doubt, casually drop one of the following remarks into the chat – they’re guaranteed to make a big impression:

“Last year’s Super Bowl was awesome – I still can’t believe the Las Vegas Degenerates blew it against the Anaheim Twerkers!”

“I’m a San Jose Janitors fan but I’ve always had a soft spot for the Charlotte Cougars ...”

“I thought the Orlando Helmets were going all the way this year. Still, I’m glad they got chucked out after their back-up quarterback tweeted that Vice President Mike Pence ‘seems a bit creepy’.”

"Roman numerals are sick, am I right?"

And for God's sake don’t admit that at the start of this week you thought ‘New England Patriots’ was a dubious pro-Brexit Facebook group.

Don’t stint on the snacks

There are three national sports in the USA: baseball, American football and eating.

You need to keep up your energy levels to make it through the final quarter so try creating a Super Bowl super bowl, overflowing with the best of US-UK fusion cuisine.

Get your largest bowl – a trough will do fine – and fill it with American treats such as Cool Ranch Doritos, Reese Peanut Butter Cups, Lucky Charms and Fruit Punch Gatorade, mixed with British delicacies like steak and kidney pie, chicken tikka masala, Eton mess, Branston Pickle and Marmite.

If that sounds like too much hassle, follow the lead of President Trump – renowned for his delicate palate – and order in a whole bunch of ‘hamberders’.

Win the name game

Fans on this side of the Atlantic should enjoy the vast array of funky player names in the NFL – names like Tom Brady and, er ... no, he’s the only one I know.

Now you can join in the fun thanks to the Racing Post’s ‘NFL player-name generator game’.

Want to discover your gridiron superhero name? Just fire up the generator, retain your surname but (here comes the science bit ...) replace your first name with ‘Randy’.

If you're fed up with being boring old Dave Brown, how does Randy Brown float your boat? Try it out, roll it around your tongue. Walk a mile in Randy Brown’s shoes. Feels good, huh? Now go out there and win the goddam game, champ.

Be a half-time hero

Half-time in the Super Bowl is usually a modest affair as the teams share a plate of quartered oranges while the stadium announcer reads out the result of the meat raffle.

Just kidding – it’s, like, the biggest fricking thing on earth. Colossal stars such as Michael Jackson, Diana Ross, the Rolling Stones, Lady Gaga and Ocean Colour Scene have played the half-time show and the Krankies' 1988 appearance was described by San Francisco 49ers legend Joe Montana as “the single greatest Super Bowl performance of all time. Period.”

There’s also a huge buzz around the TV commercials during the Super Bowl, with Ladbrokes rumoured to have been buying up slot after slot to showcase their eye-wateringly expensive new advert featuring that geezer from The Inbetweeners. It’s going to be epic!

Bet early, bet often

For casual Super Bowl viewers, the best punting strategy may be to completely ignore any bets related to the actual game.

Instead, back 'tails' to win the coin toss at 20-21, Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine to perform barefoot (150-1 with Sky Bet) and Robert De Niro at 6-4 to appear in any Super Bowl advert. You know it makes sense. Kind of.

Finally, don't be tempted to get too heavily involved in-play. By the start of the third quarter your brain will be so addled by fast food that it'll require all your powers of concentration just to unleash a stream of incoherent, spectacularly misspelled tweets. It's the American way.

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