‘Who's this escapee from the Guinness Village? Oh, it’s Honeysuckle's owner’

Tuesday

I'll be honest, I get very bored very quickly when people start banging on about GB v Ireland. England v Ireland in the rugby is one thing – that's just sport, with no finance attached – but when it comes to the festival, and when you add betting to the equation, you have yourself a game-changer.

After all, every horse that runs over the four days is just a horse. It doesn't have any national affiliation, probably doesn't even own an atlas, and I, of course, am a hard-nosed, gimlet-eyed punter, not swayed by such meaningless statistics as 23-5, or 1-14 Ireland plays 14-1 Britain, or even-money deep embarrassment against 4-9 utter humiliation. It's all so much extraneous hot air that will influence not one jot my betting patterns through the week. Which is why I start out with an all-British double on the first two races: Constitution Hill and Edwardstone. It's just so 'not me', darlings.