Melon failure means fruitless Cheltenham as confusion reigns

Confusion is a state I find myself in a lot these days. I spend most of my time living in the county of Confusion, eyebrows raised, brain sore, head scratched.

I was chatting to the partner of a pal the other day and she was guiding me through the problems she had been having with some rogue youths on the estate where they live. A street altercation over poor public behaviour from these feral whippersnappers had apparently led to long-term urban warfare.

"They even did a hit and run a couple of weeks ago," she said. I was rocked to my core. Neighbours jumping in their cars to mow down other neighbours? Crikey, what has happened to my country? I asked her how badly injured she was and whether the offenders had been caught. "I presume you went straight to the police?"