Is Claudia Winkleman really worth more than Derek Thompson?

I have long been opposed to people's salaries being made public, especially mine. Not only is this a divisive practice causing unrest and open hostility that are non-conducive to a productive working environment, but if I ever fancied having a wild fling with a sordid little gold digger in her late twenties who was only interested in one thing, it would completely scupper my chances.

So it was with some trepidation that I approached the revelation of the wages of the BBC's highest-earning 'stars'. Some of the outrages quickly became global issues. Stephen Nolan, £449,999 for remaining largely anonymous outside of Northern Ireland; Jeremy Bowen £300,000 less for solving the Middle East crisis on a weekly basis. Tess Daly, £399,999 for standing still and mangling humorous links written by other people; no place on the list for Orla Guerin, the woman most likely to be shot in the pursuit of world peace. Gary Barlow, the root of all evil, £249,999.

Mostly people concentrated on the gender salary gap, although this raised questions such as: is Dannii Minogue really worth £50,000 more to the human race than Tim Roth; why does Emily Maitlis have an agent who didn't seem to know, or just didn't tell her, that she earned seven-eighths of bugger all for being on Newsnight; and when did my 12-year-old daughter become an ardent feminist with violent tendencies towards her inappropriate father?