Elvira and Kim narrowly fail before Van Gerwen costs me dear

There are not quick fixes for everything, are there? If quick fixes grew on trees, then every government in the world would stay in power forever more, being voted back in by an adoring public whenever the chance arose, with WE LOVE YOUR ABILITY TO FIX THINGS QUICKLY placards being waved at the ballot box, and unfettered joy spread from Washington to Wuhan.

Often if you fix one problem, you create another in the process. I was listening to the radio on Thursday morning while rummaging around in my ears with a cotton bud. The presenter then informed me that cotton buds are about to be banned in the UK in a bid to halt plastic pollution in our oceans. I was pleased for the whales. I was pleased for the dolphins. I was pleased for the turtles. I was pleased for Attenborough. But I could not help be gravely concerned about the negative consequences.

The whales will be having a whale of a time, but the stench of waxy ears will soon waft across our nation. You know how everyone used to say: “Ooh, don't go to Venice – it stinks of sewers.” Well, once the cotton-bud ban kicks in, it'll be: “Ooh, don't go to the UK – it stinks of earwax.”